DISCLAIMER:  This piece is meant to be read only for satirical purposes.  If you take any part of this seriously, you are probably a Republican and have no sense of humor.

12 Steps to World Domination

Step 1: Rally the Troops

To have a successful militia, you will need violent rednecks.  The best places to locate these individuals will be NRA meetings, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and Catholic churches in rural areas.  Just tell them you are forming a new group dedicated to getting rid of non-whites, Jews, and foreigners.  You don't have to believe in these ideas, it's just something you are saying to gain loyalty.  Once you have at least 100 members, keep them drunk and happy for step 2.

Step 2: Kidnap Celebrities

If there's one thing Americans love, it's celebrities.  The military and police forces won't normally negotiate with terrorists, and believe me, if you implement the plan people will label you a terrorist.  But there's a way around this.  Just have your troops round up about 50 semi-famous and famous celebrities.  The police won't dare shoot at famous people and you can demand ransom later.  Plus, they can give you commercial endorsements once you have them in an isolated area with no hope of escape.  This goes hand-in-hand with step 3.

Step 3: Take Over Montana

There are two main reasons for taking over Montana, the first is the psychological advantage that comes from having all that land and not a whole lot of a population to deal with, and the second is that you can just drive so fast on those big, empty roads.  Take your celebrities to random cabins and barns in the woods so that there won't be a bombing campaign.  Nobody wants to be responsible for dropping a bomb on someone famous.  I mean, how would you feel if someone dropped a nuclear bomb on Carson Daly, or Kelly Osbourne?  Maybe this step needs a little work...

Also, the government will readily shed Montana in order to make Puerto Rico a state and not have to buy new flags with some strange non-50 number of stars.

Step 4: Convert the Locals

There might be some resistance in your first target.  After all, people may not readily give their lives for your crazy cause.  That is why you will give them lots of alcohol and lower their taxes.  Then give them health benefits.  They will love you forever and gladly slay your enemies.

Step 5: Take North Dakota and Minnesota

The main point of this step is to enlarge your territory and give you leverage for step 6. They should give you relatively little resistance and will make you look more impressive on a map.

Step 6: Get Canada

This will give you a major advantage in dealing with the US and with Europe, and the country is full of friendly and cheerful people who will be more than happy to hand over their nation just to help you out.  Also, they have people who speak french.  This will be useful when you have to take over France at some point, I mean not that you'd want france, but I mean, you might.  I don't know.  And, you know, they have all that cheese and wine and whatnot.

Step 7: Start Making Friends

Now that you're in command of a major world power, you will have access to the best hookers and drugs available.  This means it's time to start partying with world leaders and making trade agreements.  Do speeches on TV declaring war on things that are problems in your country.  Declare a 'war on teen pregnancy' and a 'war on underage drinking.'  People love that shit.

Step 8: Alaska and Russia

Draft all the angry young men and send them to Russia.  This will leave you and your core followers with lots of single young women, and will lower your domestic crime rate.  You don't really have to do anything to Russia when you take it over, just kind of color it the same color as your country on maps and import vodka even more cheaply.  After all, there's lots of deep-seeded enmity there for your target in step 9 and these people will want to help you.

Step 9: Wait 10 Years, then Surprise the US

After 10 years, send your top explorer onto US territory with a flag and 'discover' it.  People might live there, but they are savages and must be killed to make way for your superior nation.  The trick to gaining power here is to one day just put up millions of confusing orange detour signs and traffic cones everywhere so nobody can get to work.  Once they can't get to work for a few weeks, everyone will get fired, the economy will crumble, and you can move right in and take power.

Step 10: Mexico and South America

Just keep on rolling south of the border and 'discovering' countries until you reach the tip of South America.  Promise the people shiny things and trinkets and they will listen to whatever you have to say.  If you don't know Spanish or Portuguese, just pantomime your intentions and they should be able to pick it up.

Step 11: Europe

These folks might give you some trouble.  They've had lots of practice at war and haven't had a good one in awhile.  To make them succumb to your will, just cut off their supply of American media and movies until they just hand over the power to rule them.  It might take a few weeks, so be patient.

Step 12: China, and the World

I saved this one for last, because this is the only real nation that will require you to have a drawn-out and bloody war.  These people have been patiently building their armies for 50 years just to do what you're trying to do.  They see themselves as the leaders of the world and consider you their subject, more or less.  Their downfall will be that big wall that surrounds their country.  What you will do is to take big hoses and throw them over the wall, slowly filling the country with water until all of the citizens drown or climb to the tops of mountains and surrender.  You may be wondering about such places as Africa and Australia that I left out.  Trust me, you don't want them.  They're just more problems than they're worth.  But if you really really want them, go for it, it's YOUR conquest.