fifty-seven ivans

Ivan Ivanovich was a rich merchant with three sons, all named Ivan. The littlest Ivan, Ivan Ivanko, wanted to go sailing with the others, but his father would not let him go because there would be nobody to shovel the horse manure. Every day their red horse would produce a barn-sized pile of horse manure and it was little Ivan’s job to spread it on the field.

“Oh, I wish I didn’t have to shovel the horse manure every day so I could travel the world,” said the littlest Ivan.

After a long time or a short time, three squirrels and a magpie showed up and told Ivan to take a nap. When he woke up, the manure was spread all over the fields.

“I thank you a lot, but tomorrow there will be another pile,” he said.

The next day they told him to take a nap, and when he woke up the manure was spread all over the fields. “I thank you a lot, but tomorrow there will be another pile,” he said.

The third day, they again told him to take a nap, but this time when he woke up the horse was dead, its head on a stake in the yard. Ivan Ivanovich, little Ivan’s father, was angry and banished little Ivan from the household.

Little Ivan snuck aboard the biggest ship in the harbor and rode it to the thrice tenth kingdom beyond the thrice ninth land, with no mention of the twenty-eighth or twenty-ninth kingdom. When he got to the thrice tenth kingdom, he walked straight to the tsar’s palace and demanded an audience.

“I am Prince Ivan of such and such kingdom, and I demand to marry your daughter!” said the littlest Ivan, lying about being a prince.

“I’ve never heard of you,” said the tsar, “if you are really a brave prince, perhaps you can slay the dragon of Ivans on the edge of my kingdom.” The tsar then ordered a big feast and in the morning the little Ivan was sent out with a sword.

On the edge of the kingdom he found the dragon with fifty-seven heads, all of them named Ivan. One of the Ivan-heads bit his sword in half, and another one bit off his legs, and another one bit off his arms, and finally his head was bitten off by the Ivan dragon. The dragon of Ivans flew away, laughing.

The three squirrels and the magpie showed up with the water of life and death and put little Ivan’s body back together and brought him back to life. “How’d I do? Did I win?” he asked.

“You didn’t do so well,” the magpie said. “If you want to destroy the dragon of Ivans you need the ruby crossbow. To get it, you will have to visit Baba Yaga in the middle of the forest.”

So little Ivan went to the middle of the forest to Baba Yaga’s hut. It was a hovel on chicken legs. It was morning, and nobody was there but a beautiful maiden. Little Ivan asked her if she knew where Baba Yaga was or where she kept her ruby crossbow.

“She will be back at nightfall, but until then, let’s have some fun.”

The beautiful maiden rode around on Ivan’s back all day until it was dark. When they got back to the hut, Ivan fell asleep until morning. When he awoke, he asked the maiden where Baba Yaga was, and the maiden said, “She will be back at nightfall, but until then, let’s have some fun.”

Again, she rode around on his back all day until it was dark. This time, he woke up a little before dawn and saw Baba Yaga asleep on a pile of straw. As the sun came up, she transformed into a beautiful maiden.

“Aha! You’re an old woman, you’re not a beautiful maiden at all!” And little Ivan then rode her around all day until finally they returned to the hut and she was exhausted.

“Fine, take the ruby crossbow, but never come back here again!” said Baba Yaga.

Little Ivan took the ruby crossbow and went back to the edge of the thrice tenth kingdom. There he met the dragon of Ivans, who said to him, “Why did you return here, you fake little Ivan? You’ll only get killed again!”

Ivan then cut off all fifty-seven of the Ivan Dragon’s heads. He then went to see the tsar to claim his daughter’s hand. When he got there, the tsar stroked his beard and thought.

“Not so fast, little Ivan. There’s a pirate named Ivan the Pirate plaguing my seas. If you can dispatch him, then I can give you my daughter’s hand in marriage.”

So little Ivan went out to sea, and there he saw his oldest brother, who was now known as Ivan the Pirate. “I don’t want to kill you, little brother, perhaps you should go home. Father’s bought a new horse and you can shovel manure again.”

Little Ivan pushed his oldest brother overboard and stole his ship. When he docked it in the thrice tenth kingdom, he then went immediately to see the tsar and demand the princess.

“I’m sorry, little Ivan,” said the tsar, “but before I give you my daughter’s hand you must--” before the tsar finished speaking, little Ivan cut off his head and ran to the daughter’s room.

In the room he found Baba Yaga, now disguised as the beautiful maiden.

“Son of a…is there anyone around here who isn’t crazy?” Ivan asked. “I’ve had to fight dragons made of Ivans, deal with weird talking animals, come back to life, kill the tsar, and now my hot future wife is really an old witch!”

“You’re such a crybaby,” said Baba Yaga. “At this rate you’ll never get to be the tsar or find a beautiful maiden to shack up with. Also, I’ve ridden your other older brother Ivan, and compared to him, you’re a little small in the ‘size’ department.”

So, of course, little Ivan had to kill her, too. Riding home on the largest ship in Russia, there was a huge storm and the ship wrecked, leaving Ivan stranded on an island. The squirrels and the magpie showed up conveniently, just in time to move the story along.

“So what kind of magic stuff or advice did you bring me?” asked little Ivan.

“It’s hard for us to help you,” said the magpie, “you keep killing all the secondary characters in this story. Perhaps if you weren’t so trigger-happy with that crossbow...” said the magpie.

So Ivan killed the magpie with an arrow and looked at the two squirrels. “Either of you got anything useful to say?”

The first squirrel began, “It’s hard for us to help you, since you keep killing all the--” and Ivan shot him with an arrow.

“Well, little squirrel. You’re the last one left. This is the third time I’m doing this, so I’m guessing that some exciting plot-moving thing is getting ready to happen. Your thoughts?”

The squirrel darted forward and bit his neck, shooting blood all over the island and killing him. “You killed my wife! And our pet magpie! And everybody else! You’re a bad man!”

And then, somehow, little Ivan came back from the dead again, married a beautiful princess, became the tsar of Russia, and then some magic animal, probably a bright falcon riding a fast steed, showed up and granted some wishes and little Ivan got a lot of money.
 

(c) j baugher 2006