four on the floor

The blaring of the television can be heard even by the red-haired lady whose fine-lookin’ bitch is dinkling on the lawn.

“Arrgh! This be Petey the Pirate tellin’ ye ta get yer next used car at Bob’s Used Car Factory. N’ remember, mateys, if Bob doesn’t sell five hundred cars by the end of the month, he’ll be walkin’ the plank!”

Though it’s the dumbest commercial I’ve ever seen, I am powerless to turn off the television. Rufus has insomnia, and when he can’t sleep, I cant sleep.

He’s just sitting there in that moldy bathrobe, barely even blinking for what seems like hours. I’ve seen this man resort to watching static, but that was before they got the digital cable. His eating habits are appalling, bits of food stuck in his beard from two days ago. I almost want to vomit as I watch him add barbecue potato chip crumbs to the menagerie.

I’m guessing Caitlin is pissed at him again, and that he’s been relegated to the couch for the rest of the night. Bastards, both of them. Too caught up in their own lives to even pay attention to me. Ah, there she is. I sense her irateness even through that facial mask.

“Turn down that damn television so’s I can get some sleep!”

He just makes a frown and turns it up a little more. Sensing a fight, I head upstairs to Shamus’ room and lie on the end of the bed. With his freckles and nearly full set of teeth, he’s not so bad…when he’s sleeping, that is.

Earlier today, I watched this kid put a handful of crickets in the microwave. Of course, it was all in the interests of science. Just like last week’s experiment involving bottle rockets and the ass of the neighbor’s cat. The results of that study were even in the newspaper, on page three.

It’s not that I’m starved for attention, I sure don’t need the affection from these people to boost my self-esteem or anything. The only time they even notice me is when I leave a present behind the television or bring them small animals that I happen to find in the yard. Do they appreciate my efforts? No. I get hit with the newspaper and told to ‘go lay down’.

The scene is so common that Shamus isn’t even stirring as the shouting escalates to various thuds and clamoring. He just rolls over and draws his blanket closer to him.

Four minutes after a window shatters, I can see the blue and red shafts of light dancing on the wall. Way to go, twice in one week. I have this theory that the neighbors have the police on speed-dial.

As I come down the stairs, I can see that she is crying and he is standing in front of the police officer and nodding, with his eyes focused on the floor.

I didn’t choose to live with these evolutionary dead-ends. I only jumped about and feigned enthusiasm to avoid the needle. Looking back, maybe being put down wouldn’t have been so bad.

Oh Christ, he punched the cop. Intelligence was never one of Rufus’ strong points. This is a man who didn’t even have the common sense to poke airholes in the box he wrapped me up in for Shamus’ birthday. I almost died. Bastard.

Now he’s leaving in cuffs, and she is still crying on the couch. I wag my tail and scratch at the door excitedly.

“Aww, you miss him already, don’t’cha boy?”

No, you dumb bitch, I have to piss. Let me out.