Super Mario Released From Rehab

Redmond, WA-  Amid fanfare and festivities, ‘Super’ Mario Gambino walked out of the Daisy Chain Clinic today with what therapists touted as a ‘clean bill of health’.  Four years ago, he was admitted to Portland General Hospital’s emergency room after leaping from a third story window wearing a yellow cape.

Since that tragic incident, he has been in and out of various hospitals and institutions, while battling his substance abuse problems.  During a press conference today, he related some of his story to reporters.

“It all started in the early 80’s when a skinny Japanese man approached me about starring in a video game.  Before I knew it, I was eating shrooms like crazy and fighting these dragon-people with spiked shells.

“I tried to refuse a starring role in the second game, but the company was run by the Yakuza and they told me if I didn’t do it they would cut off Luigi’s kintama and mail them to our Mama-mia in a box.”

Luigi was there too, recounting some of the unpleasant memories. “And of course, they made us do a third one.  By then, they had Mario smoking these leaves that made him think he was a raccoon, and dressing up in weird costumes.  It didn’t help that he was a heavy drinker, as well.  One time, me and Mario and his girlfriend, Peach, were out drinking and this guy came up and tried to hit on her.  Mario actually jumped on the guy’s head until the guy was unconscious.”

During a private interview with one of Mario’s close friends, who wished to be referred to only as ‘Toad’, more was revealed about the hero’s private life.  “I don’t even see what the big deal was, I mean, he didn’t even do his own stunts.  There was this Mexican guy in a jumpsuit who was always Mario’s body double, until he died in that MarioKart accident.”

When asked about his plans for the future, Mario said he was going to track down all existing copies of Mario’s Time Machine and bury them next to the ill-fated E.T. games of Atari lore.