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[about me] [jbaugher@peachycomics.com] [dirty haiku contest] 10.31.03/18:34 happy halloween!!! I always liked Halloween when I was growing up. It's an interesting holiday, you teach your kids to go door-to-door begging for candy. It's kind of like simulating being homeless, only your asking people for candy instead of money. And nobody gets drunk. Well, almost nobody.
When kids say 'trick or treat', nobody ever chooses the first option. If any kids knock on my door, I'm going to say, "Wait here while I go get you some candy," and then not come back. Get it? TRICK! Hahahahaha.
Today I tracked another acoustic song. Out of the thirty or so songs I've written thus far, this might be the only happy one. It's probably the easiest to play, too. The chords are just A, D, and E.
[ knock knock shot (acoustic) ] 2.3 MB, mp3
And here's a picture of me dressed like a pirate.
It's hard to hold a camera with one hand and not twitch while the picture is taking. I think Nick was going to be a pirate as well, but I'm not copying off him. I just needed a costume I can change out of in less than a minute if someone at work gets pissed off at me. I mean, hell, all I have to do is take the bandana off and PRESTO...normal again.
Sometime around Sunday, look for this month to be archived. And for tomorrow, don't forget to say 'rabbit rabbit.'
10.29.03/22:29 iced tea makes me pee So does green tea. There was more Sushi Boating today, followed by me buying Survivor. I read Invisible Monsters last week, and after this there might only be two left. If you have any authors to recommend to me, now would be a good time to do so.
I wrote a new satire article the other day. I don't want to spoil the surprise by telling you what it's about, but I think you will like it.
And I found this haiku on my laptop today, hidden in the thousands of useless text files. It is completely separate from this whole contest business, but it made me laugh.
jordan made an oops thinks i'm vegetarian give me steak NOW, boy
That's just a simple demonstration of one of the thousands of reasons Jean is great. She's the only girl I ever cooked for, if that means anything.
10.28.03/16:37 just like heaven Today marks a breakthrough in all my recording and such. Before, I just did everything as live, single takes with vocals and geetar at the same time, but now I can record the tracks separately, thanks to this three-dollar adapter from Radio Shack. Hooray for radio shack!
On the left you have a picture of my sophisticated recording studio, and next to that is the source of my creative power, the mystical wallet.
[ just like heaven (acoustic cure cover by me) ] 2.2 MB, mp3
If you scroll to the top of your screen, you can see that I made a new page detailing the dirty haiku contest.
10.27.03/23:13 dirty haikus And I'm sitting at the bus stop, as always, and there's and old guy and a young girl. They are both irate that the all the buses are an hour late. He's smoking serious cigarettes, the kind that are two feet long and have no filters. I'm getting irate too. It's all because of that stupid Cher concert. Now, I can have a personal reason to hate her, aside from her music.
But that's not the weird thing. The weird thing is when this black guy and his white girlfriend get on the bus a few stops later, and I realize I know her. It takes me a few minutes to realize from where. Of course, she's one of my patients. Probably he is too. It's no fun to have your work life and your personal life start to bleed into each other at the edges.
But you don't care about that. If I were reading this page, I would say, "What's the deal with these dirty haikus from the subject line?"
Fair enough. So me and Stephanie have been writing dirty haikus. I've been trying to get my other friends into it, too. Nick wrote the foulest haiku ever the other night, but I can't post it. I can post this one that Steph wrote, though. I think it's the greatest thing ever:
fasten the handcuffs a sex slave at your mercy tied down to the bed
I think I'm going to start a contest. Here are the rules: send me a dirty haiku without the f-bomb in it, and as long as it meets the 5-7-5 syllable pattern it will be considered. You have until November 15th, and you can send as many entries as you want. The winner gets an official Nicotine Fist t-shirt, you choose the color scheme.
Send all entries to jbaugher@peachycomics.com.
10.23.03/21:04 samurai ni naritai desu In case you were wondering, I still hate dashboard. So much I don't even need to capitalize it. Just like the french.
I think I want to become a samurai. They are much cooler than ninjas. Compared to a samurai, a ninja is just crap. Yeah, it was all inspired by seeing 'Kill Bill'. So what? I got the sword two years ago so I could hang it over my closet door and play baseball with apples. It's a little rusty from a few Halloweens ago...ah, pumpkins are fun.
On a totally unrelated topic, I keep getting junk mail. I think what I'm going to do is this: keep all the return envelopes until I get a few dozen of them, and tear pages out of a mini-bible and put one in each envelope, soaked with blood of course. If nothing else, it will confuse the people who open them. My mailman already thinks I'm strange, with all the mail I get addressed to 'peachycomics.com' and all the strange packages and postcards I get from all over the place. The magazines probably don't help, either...
10.22.03/22:41 still working on the plan This has been a boring week.
Really.
I am sighing with ennui right now.
Here are two pictures.
On the left we have two rappers slamming each other outside the Student Union, for some dumb thing sponsored by the army. Hmm...an organization that kills people supporting an activity where people talk about killing each other. I guess it makes sense. Growing up, I'd listen to Snoop and think, 'I want to go to Iraq and kill people!' Or not. Probably not.
And the beautiful graffiti is the very first thing you want to see when you're waiting for a bus in Homestead at night.
In summation:
go see 'Kill Bill'.
Right now.
Now!
10.19.03/22:51 and the plan is hatched Jesse is a bad influence on me. Or maybe I'm a bad influence on him...the latter seems more likely. So we were sitting at Eat'n'park when the idea was brought up. What's the plan, you ask? I can't disclose details at the moment. If we follow through, you will find out soon enough. I can tell you that it involves a crescent wrench and a sledgehammer, though. There is a plan B, and if that happens, then there will be very little risk involved.
I have too many instruments. The big geetar and the keyboard aren't mine, they just live in my room. I could start a band if I wanted to, but that just kind of sucks.
If you know anything about smb3, than you know that it's pretty hard to believe that picture on the left. If you know anything about my MS paint skills, you'd believe it even less. The last picture is a desktop that I made for my laptop.
And I put up a few new quotes today. You may be wondering who this 'Nara Sensei' person is who I have so many quotes for. He is our Japanese teacher. Though he grades pretty harshly, he is a really cool guy. Sensee no uti de, Nara Sensee ga ichiban suki desu yo. Did I say that right? I don't know. I need to do more benkyoo-simasu.
10.18.03/20:28 same old routine, it seems like I didn't have any wild adventures between yesterday and now. None. Nothing. Although there was this patient at the hospital who kept pissing me off by asking me stupid questions, so I kept making the pay phone ring right in front of her. Every time she would go to answer the phone, I would hang up right before she got there. Hahahaha. I am easily amused...
For fun, I'm putting up a song from my archive of songs. This one is called 'Tidal wave'. Uncle Matt wrote the geetar, but I'm the one playing it in this version.
[ Tidal Wave ] (mp3 file) 1.7mb
The picture on the left is to demonstrate how obsessive I am. The one next to that is a picture of tourists, who were walking around taking pictures of other things.
The other two are self-explanatory.
10.17.03/16:21 kicking back I skipped school today and slept in until noon. It was glorious. I did a little work on the site today, adding a bio page for those of you who don't know me.
Also, I took down a few pages that you can't even get get to from here anyways, so I doubt you will notice. One of them was a story called 'dangling it' that I have to revise a little.
Yesterday was kind of a bittersweet day. I got a speeding ticket on the way to the bus stop. What pissed me off more was when I went to McDonald's at 10:45 and they were still serving breakfast. Bastards. To balance that out, though, I got an A on the Japanese Society test I was all but certain I failed. I guess making 25 random guesses isn't always a bad idea.
Tomorrow I might put up a new story or some pictures or some other goodies. You will just have to wait to find out.
10.14.03/22:50 toss'd in the storm Today felt like a collection of unrelated short stories. Each one was somehow significant, and I have pictures to help me explain.
The first three pictures are of Japanese souvenirs I saw at Sushi Boat today. I love Sushi Boat immensely and would recommend it to anybody. I only originally wanted a picture of the Buddha, but the friendly proprietors insisted I take pictures of the other things too.
Coming home, the bus was stuck in traffic for an absurd amount of time. I met this Chinese lady who is a Pitt faculty member and works in for the OIS. She was going on a trip to San Diego to visit relatives and told me lots of things about Japan and study abroad and such.
But you don't care about that. What you really want to know is, 'Who is the girl?' Her name is Kristen. I had to kill time at the mall while I got my oil changed and her hair set me off. The top of it is kind of blonde and the ends are black. I told her I simply had to have a picture of it, and she was nice enough to pose for me. I think she's really cute, and if I weren't so timid, I would have asked for her phone number. Although, I did give her the name of my site, maybe she will visit and send me e-mail. She probably has a boyfriend or something, though...
When I finally got home, I was all psyched to post about this stuff, but the power was out. Apparently there were tornadoes and all kinds of weather-related hijinx. I wondered what those funnel-cloud thingies were. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to take a nap. About ten minutes after I fell asleep, Grandma decided to stomp around upstairs and sing really loudly. Instead of shouting at her, I decided to go for a drive. I acquired Jesse and we went to eat with my mom and her friends, and I told them all the disgusting stories I know.
And that's it.
10.13.03/23:47 same as it ever was I stand in the check-out line at Super K. It's 11:00, and there are very few people about. I place my items on the little conveyor belt: dental floss, adult diapers, fishing tackle, a bottle of 'syrup of ipecac', and some maternity magazines. The aging clerk looks up at me and says, "Big night, eh?"
Okay, so I lied. I didn't really buy any of those things. I really got hairspray, socks, and a candy bar. I guess I'm not as interesting as I wish I was...
Today was a completely literary day. I started and finished South of the Border, West of the Sun, went to creative writing class, and attended a real live reading at the Frick Fine arts building. The reader was this Iranian woman who is now a Pitt faculty member. She's like 35, but she is soooo fine. People debate me on this, but I think pretty much all Persian women are hot. I bet she likes to be on top.
10.12.03/22:29 omosiorokatta desu nee! Today was great. I woke up at like 3 and grandma took me to get new books. Hooray for new books! And after that she took me to Steak 'n' Shake. Double hooray for that.
When I got home, I actually did my homework. Such a good feeling to not be up 'til 2am doing Japanese. To make my day even better, Jen called me.
On my way to pick her up, I got pulled over. I was nervous...very nervous...but thankfully mister officer was lenient and gave me a warning. So I got to spend some time with Jen and it was pretty fun. And grandma gave me buttons. What a day.
10.11.03/19:14 best left untold Yesterday, at work, I heard the most awful story in the whole world. Today, I wrote a new short story. Now due to medical confidentiality and all that, I will say that the story I wrote and the story I heard are two completely different stories. And they are, because one is made up by me and only loosely related to the other one...wait...that came out wrong.
So here it is, but I warn you that it is pretty graphic. It is called Distantly Related.
[ distantly related ] (short story)
If you like that, you can find satire articles, tirades, and more short stories in the short stories section.
In other news, I only have two or three Murakami books left to read before I can move on to read the rest of Chuck Palahniuk's books.
And one more thing, if any of you have AIM, feel free add this person to your list and harass him. He owes me 50 bucks.
twinkiefreebase
X.X.03/21:15 24 hours of being awake The x's are 10's in Roman numerals. But you knew that. I updated the quotes page with some philosophies (they're at the bottom.) They are not necessarily meant to be funny, but if you laugh, that's okay.
I think I'm getting fatter. I'm finally back to using the real notches that came with my belt. It's my new peanut butter and chicken wing diet I think. What you do is: dip chicken wings in peanut butter. Okay, that was a joke. But what is good is to dip Kit Kat bars in peanut butter. Mmmm.
Today has been a very productive day for me. I finished reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (605 pages...) and I finally gave my geetar some lovin' by restringing it. It still sounds a little twangy, but that will go away after I play it a bit.
So it occurs to me that many of you new site visitors are people I don't even know, er...who don't even know me I mean. I think tomorrow I will put up a small bio page about myself with relevant facts and whatnot. It seems I'm neglecting my duty as a digital photographer, so I might put some pictures up too.
10.9.03/21:40 the truth about astronomy Astronomy. You know I hate this. I say it's because of the amount of math involved, but this is only half of it. The truth is far more involved than that.
Picture me as a happy-go-lucky ten-year-old boy. A spellbowl champion and honor roll student. The one the teacher always knew had the answer, but who would always say something retarded when she called on him. A kid who spent his nights playing SimCity and watching Home Improvement. That was me.
Like all geeky little kids, I had a crush on a girl who was a few rungs above me on the social ladder. Funny, but even when you're 10, there's still a class system.
One day, through a mediator, I got a note. It was from her, and all it said was 'do you want to go out with me? circle yes or no.' Such a glorious day. Of course I circled 'yes'.
And so it went for a week, my first pseudo-grown-up relationship. She kissed me on the LIPS, I mean, how does it get better than that? On the lips even. Wow.
Now, about the astronomy. On our one-week anniversary, it was our class' turn to go to the Skylab. The Skylab was this big inflatable igloo-thing they had set up in the auditorium. Once you went inside, they would project the constellations on the ceiling and point them out to you.
And so me and my girlfriend sat there, in the dark, so romantic. After a few minutes though, I kind of wondered where she went. I mean, it was dark, I couldn't SEE anything. The truth was that she was two feet away from me, MAKING OUT with some other boy. Not by accident or anything, this was a real live act of scandalousness. Almost too much for a ten-year-old to bear.
Ever since that, I pretty much hate Astronomy. And girls.
10.9.03/20:46 okasii brownie o tsukurimasita... I finally killed that bastard bug that lives by the stairs...well, lived by the stairs. My only regret is that I didn't get one of those credit card offers today, because I wanted to put the body in one of those return envelopes.
Today, I went to the meeting to learn things about study abroad. And I did. Now I know all about it. I want to go to Japan for a year and learn all about culture and Japanese girls. I want to learn all the things they won't teach me in my Japanese Society class. By the way, I feel fairly confident about the midterm I took today in said class. Fairly confident that I failed.
10.7.03/19:31 me tie dough-ty walker! Any of you remember those 'scary stories' books from elementary school? Ahh, they were wonderful. The phrase above is a quote from one of the books, one of the ghosts or severed heads says it...I don't remember which.
So the quotes page has been beefed up with seven or eight new ones, and the frequently asked questions page has been updated as well.
I ate half a jar of peanut butter today. It was GREAT. I recommend peanut butter in all it's sticky, seductive forms. Just get a spoon and dig in. Bread and crackers are not required.
I'm going to try and write a short story now. If I get it done tonight, I will post it. Also, during my cleaning efforts I found a song I wrote in March. I might track that and put it up just for the hell of it. It's called dauntless, a synonym for fearless, which is what I am. Doughty means 'fearless', as in MIKE Doughty, or 'me tie dough-ty walker', like the title for today's post.
If you're crazy like I am, that all makes sense.
10.6.03/03:44 tadaima! (i have returned) Wow. Such good times. I almost can't even accurately describe how much fun I had this weekend. Almost. I will start with descriptions of the people I got to see. Go here to see the pictures.
Chelsea My sister! She is actually much older than she looks in this picture, which was taken when she was like 4 or 5 or something.
Jean She likes to make up concise, one-line descriptions of people.
Jason I've known this kid since I was in middle school. He is my geetar sensei, and occasional partner in crime. His fingers are approximately one and one half centimeters longer than mine.
Paige I saw her the other day at Mac's Music. After we left, I realized I know her from my Shelbyville City Pool days, like 4 years ago. She was the mascot of our concession stand, and used to hang out with us every day. Coolest little kid ever.
I left for the Hoosier state early Friday morning, so I could go to Jean's Japanese class at 9am. Earlham College is a pretty neat place. I would say it's more of an educational commune than a regular school. I got to meet a bunch of really neat people, some who even wear berets and pretend to be too cool for you.
So Jean gave me a mini-tour of campus, and we read stuff at the library, and I got go to a real-live Japanese Literature class. Omosirokatta desu nee.
After that, we went to that pit of despair which I call Shelbyville, and ate Chinese food at Dynasty Buffet (or 'nasty buff' if the sign is caught by the wind and distorted a little...).
When we got back, Jason demonstrated his classical geetar skills for us. I was mildly blown away. Jean and Chelsea and I went to Mac's Music and More, where I got to play for one of the smallest, but most appreciative crowds ever. Jean played auto harp and geetar and was amazing, of course.
Then we went to visit Sam and his wonderful family. There were many people there, most of whom were at least a little stewed, including my former high school principal. We convinced Ron (Sam's dad) to let us some back in the morning for horse-riding.
This we did. I didn't ride any horses, because they kind of frighten me. Their names are Kelly and Boulder, and they are magnificent animals, if you're into that sort of thing.
Then Jean and I headed back to Earlham, making a stop at the James Whitcomb Riley Festival in Greenfield. After overdosing on fun, we collected people and went pipe-walking on Earlham back-campus. The pictures don't accurately convey how narrow or far from the ground these pipes are.
Upon returning, Jean and another girl whose name I have forgotten did some ukeleleing and geetaring and singing. Wow. It was quite enjoyable.
And after this, I said my good-byes to Jean and went back to the 'ville to take a nap. When I woke up, me and Chelsea and Sam and Dad and Uncle Mike and Jason and Elliot went to Hooters and ate a plethora of hot wings.
Later, Jason and Elliot and I rented a hotel room and drank. It reminded me very much of high school and the reason I moved to Pennsylvania in the first place. However, I still had a good time. Here is the recipe for a Short-Bus Iced tea:
1/4 cheap vodka 1/4 sweet and sour mix 1/2 coke
That was my first real drinking experience since St. Patrick's Day, when I drowned in a sea of 151 and green beer. The only difference was that this time I wasn't up all night retching. Blech.
In the morning, I drove home. There was this big wreck outside of Columbus (the other direction, thankfully), and frankly I am impressed how well these pictures turned out, since I was driving while I took them.
I got back around 5pm, and thought I would take a nap. Somehow, I slept 'til 3:30, and here we are. If you didn't go yet, click here to look at the pictures.
10.2.03/21:47 indiana e itte kimasu There will be no updates of any kind until Sunday night. I am going on a road trip to visit assorted friends and family figures, and will have no posting powers.
In other news, I got another article published on bbspot.com. It's called US Postal Service Sues Internet Users, if you want to check it out.
Hopefully I will come back with fun pictures.
10.1.03/18:13 demonstrating my literacy Books are addictive. I have been reading so much this week. Today's selections are The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, and Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk. I would recommend that everyone go out and buy Lullaby right now and read it poste haste.
So as you can tell, the new site format didn't stick for very long. I just didn't like it. I guess that means I have to make a new quotes button and put it somewhere. Bah.
The picture on the left is of the neat new shot glass Aunt Stephie got me, and the list is just a manifestation of my obsessive compulsiveness. I always make detailed lists of things I have to do, and never do the things on it.
And I found another song from the High School/Mac's Music days. Me and Jason's cover of 'The Ballad of Crazy Matt'.
[ the ballad of crazy matt (live cover) ] (wav file) 391kb
Strictly speaking, it's not really a cover. I wrote it. But since Crazy Matt made up the music, I can't take credit for it. Damn.
And I just saw a commercial for the next Matrix movie. I can't wait 'til 11.5.03. If that isn't good enough news for you, I wrote a new poem today. Laugh if you want, but remember that I have psychokinetic powers.
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