peachycomics.com sex FAQ, part I

by j. baugher

***DISCLAIMER***
Please note that peachycomics.com is not a doctor, not qualified to give medical advice, and does not actually care about your problems or want to help you in any way.
 

Which hole in the vagina do I insert my penis into?
This is a tricky question, as there are many holes in the vagina. The best way is to just pick one; you’ll know immediately if you’re wrong because you will feel a punching sensation on the side of your face.

Is it bad to masturbate, say, six times a day?
Bad? No, not at all. More like IMPRESSIVE. Don’t get too excited, though, you’ve only got a year or two of that left. Afterwards, you’ll max out at once or twice a day. Unless you’re a pervert. Are you some kind of sick pervert?

I don’t know if I have a small penis, and I’m embarrassed about it. How big is average?
Well, nearly all men have penises at least 11 inches long. You should measure yours to see if you’re as much of a man as the rest of us are.

Is it true that masturbation makes hair grow on your palms?
Hair growth on the palms is a complete myth. No, a chronic masturbator can be distinguished by the growth of hair on his face. If you see someone with facial hair, that person is a masturbator.
 
What about women who masturbate?
Women do not masturbate. Pornography has given people the common misconception that women masturbate, which is simply not true. In fact, they do not defecate, either.
 
Is it true that females can have orgasms?
This is a myth started by militant feminists to torment men everywhere. There are no documented cases of female orgasm, and any video you might see of this phenomenon is a hoax.

Where is the G-spot?
It’s located in downtown Detroit, on the intersection of Fifth and Broad. The entrance fee is 15 dollars, and it’s open every night until 4am.

Is homosexuality wrong?
Not at all. There is nothing more beautiful than the love between two sexy females, and this act has been celebrated by artists for thousands of years. Another word for homosexuality is ‘lesbianism.’
 
Uh, that’s not what I meant. I meant the other kind.
That’s a statement, not a question. Questions have question marks and usually a question word like ‘how’ or ‘where’ or ‘why, why, why oh why?’ or something like that.

Does swallowing semen really clear up acne?
While it may not do much for your complexion, once the word gets around that you’re willing to do this, you’ll find that guys will pay far less attention to your acne. Especially if you work the balls.

What changes occur in the body after you lose your virginity?
Well, for a male, a scar forms on the abdomen above the penis that spells out the word ‘hero,’ and for a female, the legs bow out, making her walk like she just got done riding a horse, and this way other males can tell she’s open for business.

Can a girl get pregnant from oral sex?
If done correctly, yes, this is certainly a possibility.

Is it okay to have sex with fat girls?
Okay? This is a no-lose situation; you’re getting sex, you’re doing something charitable, and best of all, fat girls are absolutely great at giving oral sex. Just don’t let your friends find out.

Can a girl get pregnant her first time?
Absolutely not! And not only that, but sex with virgins is prescribed by trained medical professionals in Africa as a cure for everything from syphilis to AIDS. Don’t worry, though, this pregnancy thing does not apply to your situation, because it’s definitely NOT her first time. She’s lying to you, and you’ll know this for sure if she does, in fact, get pregnant.
 
How long is sex supposed to last?
Sex is like a trip to the dentist; you wait for a long time to finally have this experience, and the sooner it’s over with, the better we all feel. Also, both are expensive, involve getting drilled in the mouth, and waking up with a sore asshole.

How can I be sure my partner doesn’t have an STD?
You should ask…this is the only fool-proof way to be sure.

How can I be sure this prostitute is not a cop in disguise?
You should ask…this is the only fool-proof way to be sure.
 
Should I stimulate the clitoris using my fingers or my mouth?
Stimulate the what…? You come here for advice, and then you make up words. I don’t know how I can give a reasonable answer to gibberish.

Is it wrong to pay for sex?
It’s wrong to pay for BAD sex. You’re not getting your money’s worth…

Does it hurt the first time you have sex?
No freaking way! It feels great. It changes your whole outlook on life and gives you a renewed sense of self-confidence. It’s an initiation into a new club, a new mindset, and a new world of possibilities. Unless you’re a woman.

What is foreplay?
Foreplay is sex involving golf clubs or golf balls, usually inserting them in one, two, or three holes for maximum stimulation. The driver can really get you some distance here.
 
Can a girl have sex when she’s on her period?
Have you ever killed a person with a hatchet? I did once…it took me days and days to clean up the mess. However, it was tremendously rewarding and improved our respective outlooks tremendously. I forgot your question.

Does every male pre-ejaculate during intercourse?
The rest of us don’t have this problem, this is basically YOUR problem. You are the only person in the world pathetic enough to have this problem, and it might be because God, your teachers, your friends, and your pastor all hate you.

Is it normal to be a virgin at 17?
Hahahahahaha! I hope you’re asking on behalf of your (loser) friend, because that’s freaking pathetic. You’re freaking pathetic! Er, I mean, your friend is.

Is sex really that important to a relationship?
No, many sucky and pathetic relationships don’t involve sex. You can have a perfectly fulfilling sucky and pathetic relationship with your partner without ever having or talking or thinking about sex. You can accomplish this easily: get married.

Will sex with a pregnant woman harm the baby?
There have been cases where babies have actually bitten penises during intercourse. Babies are very territorial and will fight fiercely to protect their coveted real estate.

Is it normal to have stomach pains 15 minutes after sex?
How much sperm did you swallow, exactly?

How do you know if you’ve had an orgasm?
You didn’t.

How do you know if you are gay?
If you’re a man, and you have a boyfriend, you should ask for his opinion. Surely he can help you answer this difficult question.

Will alcohol improve sex?
It depends upon the attractiveness of the woman. If she is not so attractive, you should both drink copious amounts of alcohol until she becomes attractive.

How can you get rid of pain in your vagina after sex?
You should find a way to safely remove the bottle. Take care not to break it or maneuver it in such a way that it forms a kind of suction. Emergency room staff are trained not to laugh at your common and hilarious problems.

How can I last longer during sex?
First off, why would you want to? If you’re trying for the endurance record, you should give up. It was set by the author of this FAQ many years ago and has never been broken. It’s rumored he went over FOUR MINUTES before delivering a powerful ejaculation that split the woman in half.

How can I stop masturbating?
The best way to stop masturbating is to finish. You can accomplish this using sexy photographs, or by calling a dirty phonesex chick. Once you’ve finished, you can come back and read this FAQ again the next time you have this same question.
 
Should you put a condom on a cucumber before using it as a sex toy?
Nah, you should rinse it off first, though. However, you SHOULD put a condom on it before eating it, to protect yourself from vegetitis.

Does a girl have a hymen in her rectum?
Um…uh…what? You’re an idiot.

Is it normal to have oral sex on the first date?
If you are an attractive woman on a first date with ME, I would have to say yes, it’s very normal. In fact, it’s fantastic and wonderful. However, it IS slightly less common than sex on the first date…which is something you might want to consider.

How can you tell if your teenage daughter is masturbating?
That’s f***ed up, man. Seriously.

[sex faq part II]

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