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peachycomics.com sex FAQ, part II by j. baugher
***DISCLAIMER*** What do I do when a condom tears? The common solution to this problem, like most of life’s problems, is prayer.
My left testicle is lower than my right one, is this normal? Hahaha. No. You’re a freak.
Is it normal to get erections during the day? What you really mean to ask is if it’s normal to get erections when you’re sitting in the backseat of a car with four other guys, and the answer is yes. If you’re gay.
Is it normal if my breasts are different sizes? How different? I can’t answer that without seeing a picture of the breasts in question. Please e-mail it to jbaugher@rocketmail.com
Can masturbating hurt me? Masturbating may not hurt you, but the number of kittens that God slaughters to atone for your misdeeds is something you should consider.
Why does a doctor have to touch my testicles? Is it really worth paying him 100 dollars an hour if he doesn’t?
Is it wrong if I enjoy getting a prostate exam? It depends on which appendage is being used to do the examining.
Am I still a virgin if I use a tampon? If by ‘tampon’ you mean ‘fencepost’ and by ‘virgin’ you mean ‘idiot,’ then, yes.
What is a hymen? A hymen is a little Jewish man who lives in your vagina and dies if you have sex.
How and when do I use a home pregnancy test? This is really two questions, don’t you think? Okay, first, the ‘how’: fill out all the boxes and hand it in to your instructor. As for the ‘when’: since it’s called a ‘pregnancy’ test, the obvious answer is that you use it when you’re, well, pregnant.
Are there any long-term effects of masturbating? Will I still be able to father children? The long-term effects are aging and death. As for your second question, you should ask yourself if society would really benefit from the progeny of a filthy pervert.
What is an erection? An ‘erection’ is, according to my Japanese friend, an event where participants in a democratic society choose new leaders by voting.
What is 'Torsion of the Testicle?' Torsion of the Testicle was a 1987 pornographic movie starring one man and thirty-six women. The lead actor, Rod Throbbins, spent two weeks in the hospital after ‘shooting’ was finished.
How do I heal a hickey as fast as possible? Eat lots of onions, then tell your mother, in no uncertain terms, what a little whore you are. After this, she’s less likely to be concerned about your temporary deformity.
If I have sex with my clothes on, can I get pregnant? Saying you had sex with your clothes on is like saying you drove a car propped up on cinderblocks. You should be more concerned about the tattered state of your boyfriend’s genitals.
How old do I have to be to have an abortion in the United States? Old enough to have sex, but not quite old enough to know better.
What is auto-erotic asphyxiation? Choking to death while having sex with a car.
My penis is too large for intercourse, what can I do about this? You should get into show business.
Where does my tampon go? Where does my pee come out? Where is my cervix? First, take off your panties. Then, rummage around down there with your pointer and middle finger until you find your ‘idiot button.’ Press it.
Is something wrong if I can feel the tampon inside me? Something is very wrong, very wrong indeed. Unfortunately, the problem is genetic and can never be fixed.
What are feminine deodorants? Should I use one? Feminine deodorants are those deodorant brands with names like ‘Secret’ and ‘Flower Fantasy’ for chicks with stinky pits. As for whether or not you should use one, stand next to a flower, lift your arm (or leg), and see if it wilts. If it does, you might want to consider deodorant.
What do I do if condoms are too tight for me? You know those balloons they use to make little animals? Try using one of those.
What I can do to make my breasts bigger? Go on a damn diet, fatty. Your breasts would look bigger in comparison to the rest of your body if you would just lose a few pounds.
Is penis size important? Only if you want to get laid.
How do I measure my penis? We use what’s called the ‘giggle scale.’ The longer she laughs at it, the shorter it is. The average is three seconds.
My penis doesn't hang straight down. Is there something wrong with it? Yes. Your blood contains too much iron. The bending is caused by magnets manipulating the blood in your erection. Try to keep it away from metallic objects.
What is circumcision and why is it done? Circumcision is a Latin compound word meaning ‘cutting around.’ It’s done because ‘cutting straight through’ would be impractical.
What are blue balls? Blue balls are something male smurfs get when they can’t get laid because there’s only one female smurf and that mad pimp Papa Smurf’s already all up in her kool-aid.
How do I have 'good' sex? Stop crying and overanalyzing so much. I was nervous, woman. It isn’t my fault!
Where should we have sex? Wherever you want, baby.
Will we come at the same time? If you come eight seconds after sex commences, then yes.
What position should I use? I’ve always been partial to shortstops, but sometimes you need a good first baseman to keep those pesky batters from filling up the bases.
What if I can't get it up? It may be that you’re living in denial. Maybe, to make a geeky Star Wars reference, women aren’t quite the ‘droids you’re looking for.’
Should I tell her if I'm a virgin? Keep that a secret. While we’re at it, you shouldn’t tell her that you’re 45 years old and still live with your mother, either.
What if I orgasm too soon? Too soon? What part of the phrase ‘as quickly as possible’ is unclear to you?
What is cunnilingus? It’s a tool that lesbians use to make up for their anatomical shortcomings.
I've heard cunnilingus doesn't taste good. You’re well-informed.
What about cunnilingus during menstruation? It’s messy, you can be sure of that.
What is 'deep-throating?' It goes back to that whole Watergate thing. It means ‘ratting out your friends.’
Are there any special spots on the penis? If you have spots on your penis, you should consult a doctor.
What is 69? The summer when America lost its innocence.
My boyfriend wants me to swallow, what do I do? Do it. Don’t you think you’d look funny walking around all day with a mouth full of semen?
Can I make my seminal fluids taste better? Why are you drinking your own seminal fluids? I don’t understand the practical basis of your question…why would you WANT to make your seminal fluids taste better?
Why would anyone want to have anal sex? The thrill of doing something illegal in seven states, the lack of better options, or a reverence of Greek culture. Pick your favorite answer.
Does anal sex hurt? It depends on your anatomical perspective.
I'm worried that anal sex will be messy. That seems like a very valid concern.
How do we prepare for anal sex? Renounce Jesus, light a candle, and spread out a towel.
Can I be replaced by a vibrator? Even as we speak, scientists are desperately trying to make this dream a reality.
What is a dildo? 'Dildo' was a character from an early draft of Lord of the Rings. He never quite made it into the final version.
What is a butt plug? This is a device developed by the military for those times when there’s a desperate need for electricity, but no nearby coffee shop to steal it from. It’s basically a copper doorknob attached to an electrical socket, and it functions by converting methane gas and biological waste into electricity. It’s very useful during those times when you’re on the go and can’t find a place to charge your cell phone. It tingles a little, though.
What is a cock ring? It’s a place where angry roosters battle to the death.
What is Spanish Fly? She was the sauciest prostitute in all of Madrid, until she went mad from syphilis.
What is the Age of Consent where I live? Consent for what?
I’m sexually attracted to a family member. Is this normal? If you can answer yes to the following three questions, you may pursue your desire. 1. Is she hot? 2. Do you reside in the state of Kentucky? 3. Do you have the financial means to take care of (or stealthily dispose of) the genetically-defective offspring of your unholy union?
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